2020 Sucks

Dear Diary,

I recently moved out in August for the first time. This has been hard being on my own and dealing with everything by myself and being alone most of the day. In September, a week after my birthday I had a late term miscarriage. I sought out an abortion in July and took over seven tests after that came back negative and thought the cramps were just my period finally coming since I hadn’t had one in over a year because of my birth control. I was completely alone in my apartment while I was in active labor for almost 13 hours and then gave “birth” to a fetus, alone. My boyfriend drove me to the hospital to get surgery to remove the placenta but I still feel so alone. I have flashbacks everyday and I feel so guilty sometimes it feels like my insides are being torn apart. I hate being in my apartment and I’ve been struggling with substance abuse. When I’m sober I’m just so sad but I’m finally making progress. I started on some mood stabilizers a week ago and have been doing my best to take care of myself. I had to put my dog I’ve had for 19 years down the other week and I miss her so much it hurts but for some reason I haven’t cried over it, which makes me feel guilty and cold. I do have a kitty at my apartment that loves me unconditionally and has made life a bit easier but nothing feels real anymore. I’m struggling to do schoolwork and I’m so sick of working two jobs. I’m struggling to be a good friend and check on others when I feel like I’m barely keeping my own head above water and I feel even worse as a girlfriend. I don’t know how to stop being so irritable and sad all the time and I feel burdensome that I am not the girl he fell in love with anymore. However, I know I’m not alone and that I am loved and that’s enough to keep me fighting. Remember you guys are never alone.