Loss

The day I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic, both positive pregnancy tests. My first pregnancy was no walk in the park. I threw up every day, even with medications. At 12 weeks had some bleeding but an ultrasound confirmed the baby was doing great. The second trimester was a dream come true. The third trimester was uncomfortable and I was diagnosed with polyhydramnios. This started twice a week with non-stress tests and weekly ultrasounds to check the baby. We still don’t know why I had Polyhydramnios. October 18, 2018, I was induced and on October 20, 2018, my beautiful daughter was brought into this world via cesarean. I threw up on and off for the next 12 hours then finally was able to eat something after almost 48 hours of no food. My daughter was worth all of this and I would do it all again for a beautiful healthy baby.

February 27, 2021, I saw those 2 pink lines and all that joy came rushing back. I was so excited, I started ordering onesies, big sister shirts and thinking about how I would tell my family. My husband came home from work 2 days later and I had thought of fun ways to tell him but was too excited and just blurted “I’m Pregnant!” He was excited and started talking to my belly. All those pregnancy symptoms started to come back; fatigue, breast pain, no nausea yet but I knew it was coming. I started preparing to get the bassinet out, going through baby clothes, figuring out how I would handle a toddler, a new baby, and working full time.

March 12th, 6 weeks pregnancy, I remember feeling like my pregnancy symptoms were not as severe and I should be nauseated by now. At 6 weeks 3 days, I had some spotting. At 6 weeks 4 days, I had a bright red clot and thought I had a miscarriage. I cried. Told my husband who reassured me to call the doctor. I waited forever, but it was only about 4 hours until the doctor’s office opened. I went in that afternoon. I cried the whole way in and couldn’t even speak while I was there, I had to talk through the tears. Why was this happening? I already loved this baby so much.

The midwife came in and did the ultrasound. My baby was in the right spot but measuring small about 5 weeks 5 days and the heartbeat was low but detectable. I was given hope back. I went home with my ultrasound picture and my newfound hope that my dates were off a little. The next day I had some spotting and called the doctor again, was reassured that spotting can be normal in the first trimester.

6 weeks 5 days on March 17th, around 6 pm my husband told me to take a bath and he would give our daughter a bath. I had a long day at work and it was nice to relax for a few minutes. When I got out of the bath was talking to my husband and all of a sudden I felt my breath taken away as a gush fell out of me. I ran to the bathroom, sat down and saw that perfect baby I had seen just the day before outside my body. The overwhelming shock hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby was gone.

The grief, the disbelief, the physical and emotional pain that followed is like nothing I have ever experienced. My saving grace was my daughter that knew exactly when to give mama hugs and kisses. The guilt is still with me, the sadness, the monthly reminder that I am no longer pregnant. Some days are better than others but I still grieve for the baby I never got to kiss, hold or hear their cry.

“Til I get to hold you in heaven, I will hold you in my heart.”

 

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