Hidden

Dear Diary,

I’ve been contemplating about this for a while now, and I think it’s time for me to come out. For majority of my life I’ve kept this dark secret about being bisexual (well at least what I think is dark), and now I am working on ways to come out. I know you all are probably thinking “just come out already, the world has changed” but it is much deeper than that. LGBTQ gained rights not too long ago, and even til this day we suffer hate crimes, injustices, etc..Just for being the way we are. And on top of being an African American … that is much worse… But let me get into my story. Ever since I was little I knew I liked boys (DUH of course I’m a girl), but I also discovered that I liked girls too. I had my first girl crush in 4th grade. I couldn’t get enough of her and I wanted to be with her but at that time, girls being with girls was not right at all. So I had to hid it and sort of push those feelings away. There have been some girls that I have messed with but nobody knows about it because I haven’t came out and the girls that I’ve messed with kept everything on the down low as well. I’m not going to lie, I feel ashamed that I have hidden who I truly am for so long and I don’t know how to come out. I’ve never actually been in a relationship with a girl but I’ve messed with girls, and of course those girls didn’t want a relationship with me and I didn’t want to go public either so why try to hid the whole thing. I told myself when I came to college I would come out, but I can’t. It’s something deeper within that won’t let me be myself…. My junior year I was talking to this girl and I really liked her but I stopped talking to her because she was out and I wasn’t and I was scared to get too attached. I know I need to be true with myself but I am ashamed of that part of myself. I can tell you now, say I came out today … so many people would talk about me .. ask me questions..and who knows what else. Also, what would my family think? It’s just so much that i think about that holds me back from being my true self. I know i want to get married one day but I want it to be with a man, so am I really that into girls? Idk I feel like it will take me to actually be with a girl to find out, but until then I am still hidden ….