I’m Drained

Dear Diary,

I came to MTSU with the thought that I would finally have all the time in the world to do my homework and get good grades while also having time for friends and church. I’ve quickly found out that I only seem to have time for homework. Any time I try to go do something for myself, or even just go grocery shopping, my heart rate goes up and I start to get really nervous and feel sick to my stomach because all I can think of is, “I’m losing time and I’m not going to finish my work in time for class.”

I’ve made such amazing friends and I want to spend time with them because I hate being alone, but I always get extremely anxious about it. I just constantly feel like I’m behind even when I’m not. I don’t know what to do to cope either. All of the things I used to do that would help relieve my stress and anxiety suddenly don’t help. I was at church the other night, having a great time, when all of the sudden, I just got this sinking feeling and my chest began to hurt because all I could think of was the work I still had to do. I understand that you have to make sacrifices in college, but in all honesty, if I directed all of my attention to school work, I would never get out. I probably wouldn’t have made the friends I’ve made. I feel like it’s a constant fight between do I want to make good grades or do I want to have human interaction? Even if I tried to space it out, my brain couldn’t take the fact that I know I have work that’s due that isn’t done.

I have no idea what to do about it, and it’s started to take a toll on my mental health. I’m too scared to talk to my teachers about it because all I can picture them saying is, “Figure it out or drop the class,” which has honestly become very tempting, but I also don’t want to disappoint my mom or lose my scholarship money. I just feel like I made such a bad decision with my course load and I don’t know what to do to remedy it. I’m becoming depressed, more irritable, my sleep schedule is messed up, my self-esteem has just gone down the rabbit hole, and I’m at a loss for what to do. I don’t know where to turn because I feel like going to a therapist isn’t going to help. I’ve tried to use a planner, but that hasn’t worked well either. There are some times where I will skip meals because I don’t have time to step out of my dorm and go get food or cooking will take up too much of my time that I need to focus on school. I understand that college is a lot harder than high school, but I think this is slightly ridiculous. I shouldn’t be seriously considering dropping out because I feel like I’m not good enough or driven enough at least once a week. I just want to feel better about my school work and myself. I’m so sick of being overwhelmed all the time.

Posted by a student at Middle Tennessee State University