13 Apr Making It Through – Alone
Depression isn’t really something I’ve ever prepared for or knew much about. So when it came, it came unexpectedly. I was juggling so much between school and organizations, a social life, and work.
The first trigger of mine was money. I was working late hours at the library, but only getting paid once a month. I take pride in being independent so I hated asking my parents for help. I knew my mom had so much on her plate, so I tried alleviating some by keeping my needs to myself. I tried budgeting but the only realistic solution was to make more money, but I had no time to.
The second trigger was my social life. I was investing so much into “friends” that I saved no time for myself. I was receiving so much attention, but no genuine love. What I needed was my true friends from back at home, but they had their own thing going on. I quickly learned that not all attention is good attention.
And the third trigger was bottling everything up. I struggled with the idea of hurting other people’s feelings, so I silenced all of my emotions to keep those around me happy.
I took time alone on winter break to stop, think, and breathe. I worked another job and went in early in the mornings. I would break down in tears as soon as I clocked and didn’t know why. I had no appetite and was forcing myself to eat. I had people around me that cared, but that didn’t know exactly what to say or how to help. I felt alone, although I wasn’t. I felt like I was working through my situation off the strength of making sure I woke up to see another day. I would journal, video record, whatever I needed to do to see the next day. I rediscovered my hobbies, did things that made me happy at that moment. A few months later I am happy, saying whatever it is I need to say, and making sure I don’t fall back into that hole that I dug myself out of. The storm will pass and the sun will shine again.