26 Sep Numb
Sometimes I feel like I’m numb. It’s like I feel so many things at once that my brain short circuits and then I can’t feel anything at all. When I’m not numb, I’m overwhelmed with all the emotions I try not to allow myself to feel. Depression, anxiety, self-loathing, disappointment. I can’t take pride in my work at school or at my job. My parents are divorcing after initially separating and getting back together 10 years ago. My family is currently in the middle of our own Civil War with brother against mother against sister against father. About three years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I lost vision in my left eye for a whole week. I get infusions every six months to deter flare ups that can cause my health to worsen. As of right now, I will never be cured of this disease. This diagnosis has made my mental and physical health decline greatly over the years. Freshman year of college I wanted to take my own life. I had to go to a partial hospitalization program during my Christmas break. I’m no longer suicidal, but I do have bad days sometimes. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. I’ve never loved or even felt comfortable with my body. My weight coupled with my disease and home life makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to find self love or self worth. I’ve tried therapy in the past, but I feel like I’m too busy to start back up again. I just want to feel like a person again. Someone who deserves love and happiness and success. I often wonder if I’ll ever get to that place. In the mean time I think I’m stuck feeling numb.