This Is My Story

Dear Diary,

This is my story; I hope it helps someone else however they need it to.  Thank you for having a safe space for me to share.

I was raped inside a dorm on a college campus I attended before I came here.  He was my classmate and when we were alone, he took his opportunity and changed my life forever.

Afterward, I was scared and traumatized and reported what happened to the college and the police but no one believed me. The female officer responsible for taking my statement interrogated me like I was the criminal and then deemed it wasn’t even a crime. She called it an unwanted one-night stand.   In the end, she decided nothing criminal transpired and my case was closed without the offender ever being questioned.

My world instantly fell apart. I suffered through flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares that led me to start cutting myself in the same places he left bruises as a means to control my suffering and pain.  I couldn’t eat and every night I cried myself to sleep listening to all the voices taking over my mind.  “I don’t believe you, you deserved it, it’s your fault, you should have kept quiet.” They had it all wrong and I couldn’t believe they treated me like I was nothing.

Things got so bad, I started to think about ending my life, and truth be told, I tried.  Realizing I needed help, I started to see a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression.   I still had to see him every day on campus, he was everywhere, in my classes, hanging out with my friends, making an effort to torture me on a daily basis and there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do about it, and there was nothing anyone did about it.

I remember being so tired, having to pretend I was fine when all I wanted to do was scream out loud to be heard.  No one believed me and I still had to see him every day and I hated my life.  He impacted everything I did and I was deteriorating.

Slowly over the next few years with the help of the therapist, I started to take back control of my life. I changed Colleges and   I realized I was worth fighting for and that I would fight for all the other women who have been forced to go through being shamed for speaking up.

I am only one person, but I want to make as much noise about what happened to me and use my voice so loudly  I can and create change because it is my hope that no one will ever have to go through what I endured.