Tired

Dear Diary,

If only the world could see my broken soul. If I had the courage to speak out and tell the ones around me how much I am hurting, how I’m drowning. School was my way out. College was meant to get my life started and get me out of the constant tortious cycle I had become too accustomed to. Letting others walk all over me and use me. Taking care of everyone else but myself. Letting my life slip right by me as everyone around me ignored my depression. I use to smile all the time. I bounce back and people take advantage of that but even though I felt so alone I still smiled and pushed forward. Finally, I decided to push back and make life happen for me. I wanted to change the fact that I saw no future for myself and college was how I was going to do it. I am visually impaired and even though I could not afford college personally, there were many programs and things that could help me get started on this new path I chose for myself. I was just proud I chose to pull myself out of the cycle of nothingness my life had become.

Before my first semester my grandfather was diagnosed with stage four cancer. My grandparents raised me, they were my parents so what a start to my new beginning. I struggled with that fact as I tried to make it through my first semester. I had lost more vision through the very same semester making things much harder on me and dealing with people who were mean about the devices I needed to use to get by. I thought college would be different then high school and bullying would no longer be a thing. In the end it’s on me for saying nothing, but it was my first semester, I knew no one and my world was falling apart. I managed to get past fall semester to go to spring. My grandfather was in the hospital my first day of class. I got the text and I was breaking trying to get through classes. He died by the end of January, never getting out of the hospital and his last words when they put him in hospice being “they brought me here to die”. Instead of dealing with his death I pushed away from it. Distracting myself with whatever I could. I started failing classes, my smile was fading. I could not find the strength to bounce back. I was more broken then I had ever been. I dropped all my classes but one. Covid don’t help anything. It took away the one piece of kind I had. The job I had on campus, with people who gave me light and a way to keep fighting. I found myself trying less and less and falling deep into darkness. When summer classes came around I was barely myself. Only two classes and I still had to drop one and the other one I still failed. My self esteem kept dropping, I let myself become numb.

Now here fall is again. I’m still broken. I’m still lost. I’m trying but failing at classes and I will lose my funding if I can’t get my grades up. I don’t know how I will make it without school. It’s all I have left that’s holding me together. I never got the chance to make some Real friends. I know it’s my fault for being where I am now, letting myself get to a fair place that I am still unsure of how to get out of. I just about lost all my fight. Without school, I have nothing. I’m trying to pull myself together. I’m trying to feel my loss, it only breaks me more. I need trying to be enough, but it’s not.. I need school, I need the interaction. I can’t go back to being by myself. I don’t want to. I’m at my darkest. My broken heart wants to cry, my numbed body won’t let it.

Posted by a student at Middle Tennessee State University