29 Oct Uncertain
Where did this numbness suddenly come from? I was doing so well: keeping a consistent workout schedule, staying ahead of my school work, having a pretty good body image. But, now, it all feels… empty. Workouts feel almost impossible to complete. Every assignment takes every ounce of my energy. My body is… okay, most of the time. Sometimes I feel so bloated I want to pass out though. Sometimes I feel so numb I think I will just pass out. That my body will cave in on itself and I’ll just fade into nothing. But maybe that’s what I want. Every conversation takes so much effort, which only makes me feel worse because I think I’m being a bad friend. Which doesn’t help when you live with your friends. Because if I stayed in bed all day doing nothing, they’d probably notice. Not like my mom. I often fantasize about what I would tell my therapist if I had one. I’ve done this for years because I always fantasized about getting help. I just had to wait until I turned 18. But then I turned 18, and I still didn’t get help. Now I’m 20 and I still haven’t. I’m scared they’ll tell me that I’m just normal. That I’m supposed to feel this way, that everyone feels this way. That I have no reason to feel this way. Maybe everyone does feel this way. Maybe we’re all just shells of people walking around pretending to have feelings. Yesterday was pretty good during the radio show. I had a lot of fun. But then later that night this feeling crept back up again. Uncertainty. I started doubting whether changing my major was really the right decision. Then I started wondering if media is even something I need to be doing. Or if anything is really what I want to be doing. On my way to work, I was thinking about whether college is really as useful as people say it is. What if I get out and can’t find any jobs? I’m trying really hard to get experience, with WMTS or MT10, so that doesn’t happen, but I also can’t help feeling like that isn’t enough. And then all my time spent at college will have been wasted. I want to try harder, but all I want to do is sleep all day. Every time I think, “this will be the day I skip this class.” but then I don’t because anxiety tells me failure is the worst thing that can happen, which is good because it stops me from skipping class. I’m just very stressed. Stressed that my friends hate me, stressed that I’m not trying hard enough, stressed that my GPA will fall and I’ll lose all my scholarship and grant money. Really, none of these things are probably true. But I can’t help but worry about them. All. Day. Maybe it’s good for the most part because the fear of these things is what keeps me from completely giving up. But maybe it also isn’t good because stress is the silent killer.