Will It End?

Dear Diary,

I’ve been having anxiety attacks for a week now. Almost every day. I’ve not really kept track. Ever since Mel’s surgery Thursday. Last Thursday… was hell. Mel’s surgery took six or seven hours. It felt like forever. Of course it was the week I had to drive an hour each way to school. Thought about skipping but I didn’t. I needed the distraction. I also zoom called a guy from Italian class and we worked on an assignment together which helped.

By the evening though, when she was finally out of surgery and I was home from school. I took a shot of fireball and was gonna watch some star trek to try and settle down. Within minutes of taking the shot I got super disoriented and dizzy. It make no sense for it to be the shot, but I didn’t know what else to blame it on at the time. I was fine after sitting for a while and drinking water.

Now when I try to do school I get hot and tingly. I have to be very deliberate about my breathing. It’s almost like I forget sometimes. I have enough to deal with already.

I wish I didn’t have to wake up every day to this war. All I’ve done for years is fight and I’m so tired. Does it ever end? Fight for sanity, fight with mom, fight for my health, fighting for my friend’s wellbeing, fighting for my future and very life, and now just fighting for today. I want a break. I want to rest. I want to wake up and not be stressed and alone. I hung out with Ace and Will last night. I feel like I really click with them. It felt so good to be with people my own age who are also hurting. And nobody gives a damn if someone else is a bit screwed up because we all are. We’re gonna hang out again sometime.

I guess I need to stop crying now and try to do school.